It’s been 5 months since I left, and I still have trouble with it.
Last night I dreamt with Him again. Most dreams are vivid depictions of what could have happened if I stayed. They are either memories combined with imaginary scenarios, or completely imagined fears I lived with while I was with Him, Except, I’m not with Him. So why must I have these dreams? Nightmares?!
Each one is humiliating, vivid and extremely painful.
He sat in front of me and it seemed as if he either wanted to ignore me or just couldn’t acknowledge my presence. (This was a constant impression I felt when we were together).
We arrived at the mall and he turned to me and said, “just don’t embarrass me. Maybe just stay away.”
So I stayed away and then walked into a shop he was in, noticed how he flirted with the cashier. I walked up closer. Pretended I wanted to buy some incense. He noticed me, looked at me in annoyance, and turned back to her as if nothing happened. I felt hurt, abused, mistreated, humiliated, and like a complete idiot.
So I left. I walked to the nearest escalator, and for some reason my dress all of a sudden was so short you could see half of my underwear and my ass. The throng of men that were sitting there began to gawk at me. I felt violated. Not only by them, but by him. A feeling I know all too well.
I rushed over to a [hidden area] and I slowly fell against it and wept. I went back to the shop to find him fondling and making out with the cashier. He looked at me from the corner of his eye, and just turned back to his activities. I rushed out, unable to properly walk, and stumbled onto a tree bush. I fell, my head into my hands and I cried and mourned.
The pain was so real and so vivid that when I woke up I hung my head in sorrow because I assumed I would have to confront him again. Because after each dream, I wake up believing that I am with him still. When I finally realize I am not, the sorrow that overcomes is worse.
I should be relieved that I do not have to deal with those things anymore. But I am saddened and hurt that it happened… That my marriage is over… My love is gone… My future has changed.
I never wanted the future I would have had with him. I knew that I would have been miserable to stay along his side for so long, following his path to success, not living my own dreams. I am so eager for my future, and yet I am mourning the loss of ours.
When I lay down to rest, I don’t know where my mind is going to take me. I spend my days working to keep it occupied. I have felt this discomfort before, and every time I go running back to him. This time I am not. I refuse to. I am past that.
He no longer has control over my decisions. He is no longer allowed to manipulate me… To abuse me… To hurt me.
I may be mourning, but I am unwavering. I am sticking to my plan for a better life, even if I can’t sleep.
Sleep may be a commodity now-a-days. I wish I could have it. I cannot afford it. And if I did have it, I would not be able to use it. But, Persevering is much more important right now.